Welcome to the 2024 season! Football is finally back and we can stop being friends for a while.
If you recall week 1 last year, I had a real banger of a song that did not involve AI. Well, in the spirit of that song and Rob's attempts to tank this year, I thought this video would give a solid recap of his attempt to tank -- but we'll get to the specifics of that matchup later.
Game Recaps
Skyler vs Tommy: In one of the closer and higher-scoring games of the week, Skyler got a victory over Tommy, despite Tommy leading most of the game. Skyler had Daniels and the Bears DST in the 20+ point inquisition, while Tommy had Stroud and Brown in the 20+ point group. Skyler had 5 people score double digits, while Tommy had 7 score double digits. Tommy had 1 person in the 5 and under club, while Skyler had 2 guys score 5 and under. By all accounts, this game made no sense -- especially when you look at how crucial the Kicker and DST were to this matchup. As Skyler was the king of the court last week, he keeps it this week after beating Tommy.
Rewritten by ChatGPT to be in the voice of Shawn Spencer: In one of this week's nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat matchups, Skyler pulled off a victory over Tommy despite Tommy having the upper hand for most of the game. Skyler had Daniels and the Bears DST doing their 20+ point dance, while Tommy's Stroud and Brown were also in that high-scoring club. Skyler had five players rock the double digits, but Tommy's crew was packing a whopping seven double-digit scorers. On the flip side, Tommy had just one member of the 5 and under club, while Skyler had two.
Now, if you thought this game made sense, you'd be wrong. The kicker and DST were like the unexpected plot twist that makes the entire episode worthwhile. Skyler, having reigned supreme last week, decided to keep his crown this week with a victory over Tommy. It’s like a plot twist in an epic season finale – you didn’t see it coming, but it totally makes sense!
Rewritten as a scene from Psych: **INT. PSYCH OFFICE - DAY**
*Shawn and Gus are lounging in their usual spots, Shawn on the desk and Gus in the chair next to him. A large whiteboard behind them is filled with colorful markers, charts, and a complex game plan that looks like it could double as a mad scientist’s blueprint.*
**SHAWN:** (dramatic) Alright, Gus, hold on to your kale chips because this week’s matchup was more perplexing than a Rubik's Cube at a quantum physics convention.
**GUS:** (squinting at the whiteboard) Lay it on me, Shawn. How did Skyler manage to outsmart Tommy in this high-stakes showdown?
**SHAWN:** Picture this: Tommy was like the reigning champion of the game, leading most of the time like a knight in shining armor, until—*cue suspenseful music*—Skyler swoops in like a well-timed plot twist.
**GUS:** (intrigued) And what happened next?
**SHAWN:** Skyler had Daniels and the Bears DST doing their high-scoring mambo in the 20+ point club, while Tommy’s Stroud and Brown were busting moves in the same exclusive VIP section.
**GUS:** (impressed) So, they were neck and neck?
**SHAWN:** Exactly! But here's where it gets juicier. Skyler had five players hitting double digits, and Tommy had a whopping seven. But Tommy had one lonely soul in the 5 and under club, while Skyler had two of his guys underperforming like they forgot their lines in a big scene.
**GUS:** (confused) Sounds like it should have been Tommy’s game to lose.
**SHAWN:** That’s the twist! The kicker and DST were the unexpected heroes here. Skyler kept his crown from last week, and this week, he held on to it by the skin of his teeth.
**GUS:** (nodding) So, it was a real cliffhanger!
**SHAWN:** (grinning) You betcha! It’s like the season finale where you never see it coming, but when it hits, it all makes perfect, if somewhat baffling, sense.
*Shawn and Gus exchange a satisfied look as they finish up their snack, the whiteboard still filled with cryptic notes and colorful markers.*
**GUS:** (cheerful) Can’t wait to see what next week’s episode has in store.
**SHAWN:** (with a wink) Oh, it’s going to be a doozy. Just you wait!
*They both laugh as the scene fades out.*
Scott vs Brady: Scott had someone from both Thursday and Friday to make things interesting early on, but unfortunately for him, only one of those two was any good. Brady was able to catch up pretty easily thanks to Josh Allen going off. For context, Scott's whole team scored 3 TD's all week, Josh Allen scored 4 TD's by himself. Allen was one of 3 people to be in the 20+ point club for Brady (Stevenson and Evans), while Scott only had Hurts join the group. Both teams had 3 players score 5 and under, while Scott actually had 5 double-digit point-getters to Brady's 4. This ended up being the blowout of the week. (Original)
ChatGPT Rewrite in the voice of Micahel Scott from the Office since Brady likes the office:
Okay, listen up! So, Scott had players going on both Thursday and Friday—thinking he’s making things “interesting.” But, like usual, only one of those guys did any good. Meanwhile, Brady? He just sits back, sipping his coffee, while Josh Allen goes completely bananas. For perspective: Scott’s entire team scored 3 TDs all week, and Josh Allen alone scored 4. That’s insane! Allen, Stevenson, and Evans are basically Brady’s all-stars. Hurts tried to help Scott, but, you know... it’s Hurts. The rest? Blowout city. Classic!
As a scene from the office:
Cut to the conference room. Scott stands in front of the whiteboard, looking mildly frustrated.
Scott: (talking head) "Okay, so here’s the thing—I had people playing Thursday and Friday. Thought I’d start strong, keep things interesting. But no. Only one of them does anything good. Classic."
Cut to Brady smirking at his desk, clearly ahead in the matchup.
Scott: (exasperated) "Meanwhile, Brady's guy, Josh Allen, decides to score FOUR touchdowns by himself! My whole team? Three touchdowns. It’s like watching Dwight try to play basketball—painful."
Jim raises his eyebrows in the background.
Scott: (still ranting) "Brady had three players over 20 points—Allen, Stevenson, Evans. Me? Just Hurts. Yeah, thanks Jalen... Real helpful. Both of us had guys scoring under five, but somehow I had more double-digit players than him. Doesn’t matter though. Blowout city, people!"
Camera zooms in on Scott’s sad face, clearly defeated.
Scott: (shrugs) "You win some, you lose some... but mostly, you lose some."
Cut to Dwight nodding in agreement, oblivious.
Matt vs Rob: Rob's tanking antics are legendary, but it's good to see when it blows up in his face a little bit. This story has not been confirmed, but he likely picked up Likely as an insurance policy in case Andrews got hurt. He didn't get hurt, but Likely played so well Rob couldn't drop him. At this point Rob still had 3 starters out, but had one less person to drop. He also had a couple of handcuffs he didn't want to drop, and a starter who missed the week because of injury. In the end he tanked yet again, but I don't think the plan was to tank the way he did. To help guarantee the victory, Matt picked up the last two kickers to make sure Rob couldn't use them to his advantage. Matt needed a kicker anyway since he was also holding onto his lottery tickets like Rob was, but he decided to pick up the last two kickers just to be safe Picking up the kickers when he did secured the victory as Moody scored 24 points, and had Rob picked him up, Rob would have won. Matt only had two people score 20+ points -- the aforementioned Mad Eye, as well as the Saints DST. Rob had no one score 20+ points. Matt had 6 people score double digits, while Roby only had 5. Matt had two people score 5 and under, while Rob had three when you include the kicker he didn't start. In the interest of being 'objective' about Rob, he did pick up the Jets DST, but they were the worst DST started this week. He could have completely given up, but he didn't, and I appreciate that. The loss couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy though. This was easily the battle of ineptitude. (Original)
I know Matt likes Stranger Things (based on a 4 year old message in the chat), so I had it rewritten in Mike's voice as well as a scene from stranger things.
Mike Wheeler: Alright, so here’s the deal. Rob’s been tanking—like, on purpose—but this time? It totally backfired. I heard he picked up Likely as backup in case Andrews got hurt, but Andrews was fine, and then Likely played so well that Rob couldn’t drop him. So, he’s stuck with three starters out and nobody to drop. Meanwhile, Matt? He swoops in and grabs the last two kickers, including Moody, who scores 24 points! That was the move. Rob had no one scoring over 20 points, and it was basically the biggest screw-up ever. Total mess.
Scene: *Scene: The dim lights of Hawkins Middle School's gym flicker. The fantasy football showdown is in full swing, but something dark looms in the air.*
**Mike**: (voiceover) "Rob’s been playing the game like he knows something we don’t. He picks up Likely as backup—seems like a good move. But then Andrews doesn’t get hurt. Still, Likely’s too good to drop. Now, Rob’s got three starters out, and no one to bench. He’s trapped."
*In the distance, Matt, always one step ahead, picks up the last two kickers, locking Rob out of the points.*
**Dustin**: (pushing up his glasses) "Matt's playing like a Demogorgon on a mission."
*The scoreboard flickers: Moody, 24 points.*
**Mike**: "If Rob had picked up Moody, he would've won. But now... it’s over. Matt only had two 20+ point scorers—Mad Eye and the Saints defense. Rob? Zero. It’s like the Upside Down... nothing makes sense."
**Lucas**: (shaking his head) "Matt’s got six double-digit players, Rob only five. It’s a blowout. A battle of total incompetence."
*Cut to Rob staring at the Jets’ defense score—just a flicker of light in a sea of losses.*
**Mike**: (sighs) "He didn’t give up though. And that... I respect."
*The screen goes dark. The loss sinks in. Rob walks away, the lights flickering behind him.*
Brandon vs Trevor: This was easily the game of the week. It was the bonanza, the nail-biter of the week, and had a little Monday Nightmare/Miracle going on. It was close, but it looked like Trevor would sail to an easy victory with CMC and Breece going against Kittle Monday night, even though Trevor was behind a little after Kupp's Sunday night resurgence. Unfortunately, late word of CMC being out made things a lot more intense for a while. In the end Hall had a solid game and Kittle was meh enough on Brandon's team for Trevor to win as the #1 highest scoring team of the week beat the #2 highest scoring team of the week. Brandon had 3 members of the 20+ point club (Richardson, Achane, and Kupp) while Trevor countered with two members of his own (Reed, and the Cowboys DST). Trevor had 7 players in double digits, while Brandon had 6, and only Trevor had one player score 5 or less (CMC late). While Brandon showed himself a worthy contended this year, Trevor getting the high score of the week with the number 1 overall pick getting a goose egg on the bench puts an early target on his back as the team to beat this year.
Rewritten as Yoda: Game of the week, easily it was. A bonanza, a nail-biter, yes, with much Monday Nightmare energy it had. Close, it was, but Trevor, to victory seemed destined. CMC and Breece against Kittle on Monday, he had. But word, late, that CMC would not play, brought tension, yes. Yet Breece strong played, and Kittle’s "meh" performance sealed Trevor’s win. Highest scoring team, he was. Brandon fought well, with Richardson, Achane, and Kupp, 20+ points they had. Trevor, the team to beat now, he is. A target on his back, there is.
Rewritten as Kermit the Frog: *Hi-ho, everybody!* This was easily the game of the week! I mean, it had *everything*—a real nail-biter, with a little Monday Nightmare twist thrown in! Things were looking good for Trevor, with CMC and Breece Hall going up against Kittle Monday night. But oh no, news came in that CMC was out, and suddenly it got intense! Still, Hall pulled through, and Kittle’s "meh" performance helped Trevor snag the win. Both teams had big scorers, but Trevor’s squad just had a little more magic. Now, he’s the team to beat this year! *Yay!*
TJ vs Jordan: This game started out with TJ's kicker helping him take a light lead on Thursday night, followed by Jordan taking a huge lead thanks to Saquon on Friday night. That lead got wider and wider Sunday morning, before TJ started to catch up Sunday afternoon and evening. They each had a player on Monday Night, and thankfully for Jordan, Wilson did enough to overcome the 49ers DST. This game shouldn't have been as close as it was, but Jordan is trying to be like Rob, and he didn't start a DST because he wanted to hold onto some players on the bench. TJ only had 1 player in the 20+ crew (Diggs). Jordan decided to join him, and only had one player in that group. The bigger difference in the outcome this game came down to Jordan have 6 players in double digits to TJ's 4. Jordan also had more players (2) in the 5 and under category than TJ (1), but it wasn't enough to offset Saquon's big start to the season.
Rewritten from a gambling addicts perspective: Alright, listen up, because this one was a real rollercoaster, baby! TJ’s kicker started off with a little sprinkle of points on Thursday—no big deal, right? But then Friday night, Saquon exploded for Jordan, and I thought, "Oh man, I’m toast." But hey, come Sunday, TJ makes a comeback like he’s got the horseshoe up his...well, you know where. It all came down to Monday. Wilson? Saved Jordan. No DST? Bold, my friend. One player in the 20+? Fine. Double-digit players? Jordan had 6! I needed this win, man. I could feel the rush! Feels so good!
Rewritten as a if a game from the world series of poker (probably my least favorite rewrite): **INT. WORLD SERIES OF POKER - FINAL TABLE - NIGHT**
*The camera zooms in on the final two players at the World Series of Poker. TJ and Jordan are staring down their hands, the tension thick enough to cut with a knife. The dealer lays out the community cards, and the chips stack high in the center of the table.*
**ANNOUNCER:** (voice-over) Welcome back to the World Series of Poker, where tonight’s high-stakes game has been nothing short of a rollercoaster. Let’s break down how TJ and Jordan got here.
*Cut to FLASHBACK scenes of the game.*
**ANNOUNCER:** (voice-over) It all started on Thursday night. TJ’s kicker played a strategic hand, giving him a slight edge. But Jordan turned the tide on Friday night, thanks to Saquon, who delivered a massive lead. The game seemed to widen in Jordan's favor Sunday morning.
*Footage shows Jordan's confident smirk as he watches his chips pile up.*
**ANNOUNCER:** (voice-over) But TJ wasn’t going down without a fight. He clawed his way back into contention by Sunday afternoon and evening, turning the tables with a series of strategic plays.
*The scene shifts to the final moments of Monday night, where both players have a single card left to play.*
**ANNOUNCER:** (voice-over) On Monday night, both players had a final chance to make their move. Jordan had Wilson in play, and with some luck, he managed to outplay TJ’s 49ers DST. It was a nail-biter, given the way the game was unfolding.
*Close-up of Jordan’s relieved smile as the final hand is dealt.*
**ANNOUNCER:** (voice-over) Despite the close call, Jordan managed to emulate a bit of Rob’s strategy by holding back on the DST, a risky move that nearly backfired. TJ had only one player in the 20+ point crew—Diggs. Jordan matched him with just one player of his own in that high-stakes group.
*Cut to footage of Jordan’s and TJ’s chip stacks, highlighting the final tally.*
**ANNOUNCER:** (voice-over) The real game-changer? Jordan’s six players who scored in double digits versus TJ’s four. Jordan also had more players in the 5 and under category—two, to be exact—compared to TJ’s one. But it was Saquon’s explosive start that ultimately made the difference.
*The camera pans back to the poker table as Jordan pushes his chips forward, winning the hand.*
**ANNOUNCER:** (voice-over) And with that, Jordan emerges victorious. It was a close call, but he played his cards right and held on to win this high-stakes game.
*The crowd erupts in applause as Jordan celebrates his hard-fought victory.*
Tyler vs Kyle: The last game started out hot with both team's having their starting QB's in the Thursday night game. Mahomes outdueled Jackson and got Tyler the early lead, but his TE and DST left a lot to be desired that night, while Kyle's Kicker was serviceable. Kyle was able to claw back his lead thanks to Tyreek's Handcuff game, and Kamara finding a fountain of youth. Once he took the lead, he never gave it back, though Tyler's 49ers on Monday night closed the game and helped this not be the blowout of the week. Tyler only had Jackson who scored 20+ points, and Kyle had two in Kamara and Tyreek. Tyler had 5 guys in double digits, while Kyle had 6. As far as 5 and under point games, Tyler had 4, and Kyle had 2.
Voice/Scene from Ron Swanson (my freebie queries ran out, so it was using some lower version?): **INT. RON SWANSON’S OFFICE - DAY**
*Ron Swanson sits at his desk, a pile of meat and a stack of paperwork in front of him. He speaks with his usual no-nonsense demeanor, a hint of disdain for anything less than excellence.*
**RON SWANSON:** Alright, listen up. The last game kicked off with both teams parading their starting quarterbacks on Thursday night. Mahomes outperformed Jackson and handed Tyler an early lead. However, Tyler’s tight end and defense were about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. Kyle’s kicker, though, was competent—barely.
*Ron takes a bite of his steak and continues.*
**RON SWANSON:** Kyle managed to claw his way back into the game with Tyreek’s impressive performance and Kamara rediscovering his prime form. Once Kyle took the lead, he wasn’t about to relinquish it. Tyler’s 49ers on Monday night did their best to close the gap, but this wasn’t the blowout of the century.
*Ron leans back in his chair, arms crossed.*
**RON SWANSON:** Tyler had Jackson as his sole 20+ point scorer, while Kyle had two—Kamara and Tyreek. Tyler had five players in double digits, whereas Kyle had six. In the realm of underperformers, Tyler had four in the 5 and under category, while Kyle managed to keep it to two.
*Ron finishes his steak with a satisfied nod.*
**RON SWANSON:** That’s the breakdown. The game had its moments, but in the end, it’s a reminder that in the world of football, just like in life, you get what you put into it. And Kyle, evidently, put in more.
Award Season
MVP: Jayden Reed had the most points for the highest-scoring team in the closest-scoring game, so he walks away with the MVP of week 1
LVP: Rob for waiting to pick up a kicker, and letting Matt win because he got to Moody first.
Unluckiest Team of the Week: Brandon was the second-highest scorer of the week, but lost anyway.
Luckiest Team of the Week: Matt would have lost to 7 other teams this week, but luckily for him, he gets a bye in week 1 every year. I might have to start rotating the conference game in the south to give Brandon and Trevor a bye week in week 1 some years.
Highest Scorer of the Week: Take a bow Dr. T-Rev and his sans CMC team
Lowest Scorer of the Week: It's Rob, Hi, he's the tanker, it's Rob. At week 1, everybody agrees. He'll stare at the lotto tickets on the bench but never at his starting roster, he's still chasing the high of finding Arian Foster.
King of the Court: Skyler won it from Brady in the championship last year, and has kept hold of it after battling Tommy.
Other Shout Outs: Jordan should be at 97 career regular season wins, and Brady and Rob should be at 98. The race is on to be the second centurion in the league. Barring any major collapses, we should see all three hit 100 wins this year.
Game Previews
Skyler (2) vs Scott (11): Skyler has 2 players on Thursday and 2 players in primetime. Scott has 1 player on Thursday and 2 players in primetime. A contender for the blowout of the week.
Tommy (8) vs Brady (4): Tommy has 0 players on Thursday and 5 players in primetime. Brady has 1 player on Thursday and 2 players in primetime. This has Monday Nightmare/Miracle and nail-biter of the night written all over it.
Brandon (7) vs Matt (6): Brandon has 2 players on Thursday and 1 player in primetime. Matt has 1 player on Thursday and 0 players in primetime. A contender for the nail-biter of the week.
Rob (12) vs Trevor (1): Rob has 0 players on Thursday and 2 players in primetime. Trevor has 0 players on Thursday and 1 player in primetime. The lead contender for the blowout of the week.
Tyler (9) vs TJ (10): Tyler has 0 players on Thursday and 2 players in primetime. TJ has 0 players on Thursday and 2 players in primetime. This is the front runner for the battle of ineptitude. A contender for the nail-biter of the week.
Jordan (5) vs Kyle (3): Jordan has 0 players on Thursday and 2 players in primetime. Kyle has 2 players on Thursday and 0 players in primetime. If we add up everyone's seed/standing, this is easily the front-runner for the bonanza and a contender for the nail-biter of the week.
Good luck to everyone but Scott this week.
